Resume Update

I am prepared to answer the following questions in the affirmative:

Can you bring peace to the Mid East?
Can you turn lead into gold?
Can you develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt?

The last test I took, unfortunately, I failed the time limit.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes

I am currently considering offers from:

Google; however, they want me to work in GO. I don’t wanna work in GO.
Apple; however, WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN CALIFORNIA?
The Linux Foundations; however, working on the kernel is really boring.
Microsoft and Amazon want me to work in their consumer products divisions; however, I think they made the offers just to piss off Google and Apple.

My rate is a negative $10 an hour. I will pay you, to do your work.

I have been told I have very low self esteem. I will do anything to please my employers.
I am also a little autistic.
The more unrealistic your expectations, the more I want to work for you.

I am an expert and have over 10 years of experience with the following JavaScript Libraries:

Dojo Toolkit; jQuery; midori; MooTools; Prototype ; React.js; YUI Library; AnyChart; D3.js; Highcharts; EaselJS, part of CreateJS; JavaScript InfoVis Toolkit; Pixi.js; Plotly; Processing.js; Raphaël; SWFObject; Three.js; Velocity.js; WhitestormJS; AngularJS ; Bootstrap; DHTMLX; Dojo Widgets; Ext JS of Sencha; ZURB Foundation; Google’s Polymer paper elements; jQuery UI; jQWidgets; Ignite UI of Infragistics; Kendo UI of Telerik; OpenUI5 of SAP; qooxdoo; SmartClient; Webix; WinJS; Ample SDK; Glow; Lively Kernel; Script.aculo.us; YUI Library; Google Closure Library; Joose; jsPHP; Microsoft’s Ajax library; MochiKit; PDF.js; Rico; Socket.IO; Spry framework; Underscore.js; Cascade Framework; Handlebars; jQuery Mobile; Mustache; Jasmine; Mocha; QUnit; Unit.js; AngularJS; Backbone.js; Cappuccino; Chaplin.js; Echo; Ember.js; Enyo; Ext JS; Google Web Toolkit; JavaScriptMVC; Knockout; Meteor; Mojito; MooTools; Prototype JavaScript Framework; React.js; Rialto Toolkit; SproutCore; Wakanda Framework; Modernizr;

I am an expert and have over 10 years of experience with the following PHP frameworks

Aiki Framework; Apigility; BansheePHP; CakePHP; CodeIgniter; Drupal; Fat-Free; FuelPHP; GetSimple CMS; Hammerkit; Hazaar MVC; Horde (software); ImpressPages; INEK (PHP); Jamroom; Joomla; Kajona; Kohana; Laravel; Lithium (software); Nette Framework; Novius OS; Phalcon; PHP Standard Recommendation; PHPixie; PRADO; ProcessWire; Silex; SilverStripe; Solodev; Symfony; TYPO3; TYPO3 Flow; XOOPS; Yii; Zend Framework