From the Daily Mirror
So after the past few weeks of shite that’s been floating around on Facebook iv tried to stay out of it.
But I can’t, not anymore. Finchie needs to speak.
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bulls***.
So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it.
What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much sh**e hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and sh**” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of
“It’s like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be a***d with the hole thing, we’re simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and pi** in our cornflakes.
Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left b****ck for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a c***. We don’t like her either.
Don’t bomb our sh**. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy leitrim, absolute sh**ehole lads I’m not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad b****rds. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning your f***ed. Like actually f***ed. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to “the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!.
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offies close at ten
2. Don’t leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono’s address
4. Don’t bomb sh** when the toy show is on
5. Start with leitrim
6. If your looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where your from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep F***ing walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the sh** out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.
Finchie and the rest of Ireland
From Josh Blues Facebook Page
From srsfunny’s tumblr
The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog
“Did you try turning it off and on again?” – The IT Crowd
Cross Every Finger
Stroke Your Lucky talisman
Stand on One Foot and Rub Your Belly
Swing a rubber chicken over your head 3 times
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
Don’t overestimate the decency of the human race.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
It doesn’t take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.
It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
True friends stab you in the front.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)Phrases And Philosophies For The Use Of The Young
Bibliographic Notes: First published in the 1894 December (and only) issue of the Oxford student magazineThe Chameleon.
Bibliographic Notes: First published in the 1894 December (and only) issue of the Oxford student magazineThe Chameleon.
The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered.
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
If the poor only had profiles there would be no difficulty in solving the problem of poverty.
Those who see any difference between soul and body have neither.
A really well-maded buttonhole is the only link between Art and Nature.
Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions.
The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
Nothing that actually occurs is of the smallest importance.
Dullness is the coming of age of seriousness.
In all unimportant matters, style, not sincerity, is the essential. In all important matters, style, not sincerity, is the essential.
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
Pleasure is the only thing one should live for. Nothing ages like happiness.
It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
No crime is vulgar, but all vulgarity is crime. Vulgarity is the conduct of others.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Time is a waste of money.
One should always be a little improbable.
There is a fatality about all good resolutions. They are invariably made too soon.
The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by being always absolutely over-educated.
To be premature is to be perfect.
Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right and wrong in conduct shows an arrested intellectual development.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
A truth ceases to be true when more than one person believes in it.
In examinations the foolish ask questions that the wise cannot answer.
Greek dress was in its essence inartistic. Nothing should reveal the body but the body.
One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.
It is only the superficial qualities that last. Man’s deeper nature is soon found out.
Industry is the root of all ugliness.
The ages live in history through their anachronisms.
It is only the gods who taste of death. Apollo has passed away, but Hyacinth, whom men say he slew, lives on. Nero and Narcissus are always with us.
The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
The condition of perfection is idleness: the aim of perfection is youth.
Only the great masters of style ever succeed in being obscure.
There is something tragic about the enormous number of young men there are in England at the present moment who start life with perfect profiles, and end by adopting some useful profession.
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
What use to be an your “answering machine” message.
Hey, hello and how do you do?
Leave a short message, and I will get back to you.
Hey! Its ____. Wanna hear a joke?
Not me, so leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can (:
I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you want. But you can tell me all of that in the message you leave me.
Hello and thank you for calling the Starstripe Mental Hospital. If you need to reach a patient please press 1 and then say their name. If you are delusional please have either you or your monkey press 2 and we will connect you to Mothership. If you have short term memory loss and you don’t know who we are or why you called please press 3 and we will remind you. If you are dying… well that is not our problem and we can not do anything about it. If you want to sell us something… this number is no longer valid. Thank You for calling Starstripe Mental Hospital and have a nice day.
If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
I’m writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren’t home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin’ up my sleeve… PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here’s a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Hi, If I owe you money,please stay on the line. If you owe me money, please send a check ASAP.
Hi, if your selling something, I ain’t interested.
To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all.
I am prepared to answer the following questions in the affirmative:
Can you bring peace to the Mid East?
Can you turn lead into gold?
Can you develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt?
The last test I took, unfortunately, I failed the time limit.
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes
I am currently considering offers from:
Google; however, they want me to work in GO. I don’t wanna work in GO.
Apple; however, WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN CALIFORNIA?
The Linux Foundations; however, working on the kernel is really boring.
Microsoft and Amazon want me to work in their consumer products divisions; however, I think they made the offers just to piss off Google and Apple.
My rate is a negative $10 an hour. I will pay you, to do your work.
I have been told I have very low self esteem. I will do anything to please my employers.
I am also a little autistic.
The more unrealistic your expectations, the more I want to work for you.
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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said.”Fried Chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried Chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. The he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into Fried Chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, buy my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her “Colonel Sanders”. Guess where I am now..