What use to be an your “answering machine” message.
Hey, hello and how do you do?
Leave a short message, and I will get back to you.
Hey! Its ____. Wanna hear a joke?
Not me, so leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can (:
I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you want. But you can tell me all of that in the message you leave me.
Hello and thank you for calling the Starstripe Mental Hospital. If you need to reach a patient please press 1 and then say their name. If you are delusional please have either you or your monkey press 2 and we will connect you to Mothership. If you have short term memory loss and you don’t know who we are or why you called please press 3 and we will remind you. If you are dying… well that is not our problem and we can not do anything about it. If you want to sell us something… this number is no longer valid. Thank You for calling Starstripe Mental Hospital and have a nice day.
If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
I’m writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren’t home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin’ up my sleeve… PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here’s a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Hi, If I owe you money,please stay on the line. If you owe me money, please send a check ASAP.
Hi, if your selling something, I ain’t interested.
To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all.